#158 ; Fall in Love

Everyone has a story to tell.

Have you ever wonder how it feels like to fall in love after being in a relationship for so long?

Don't ask me why the heck am I asking such a weird question. I just got this random feeling today. This question suddenly pops out in my head, suddenly prompt me and ask me. Don't blame me, I can't help it. Well, I have been in a relationship with my Bboy♥ for up to 5 years already. Such things just occur somehow. Can't help it if it just happened. Well, somehow I do remember all the inital emotions I have while I fall in love with all my different ex boyfriends. Not necessary all my ex boyfriends, just a few. A few that is quite impossible to permanently erase. Well, I also do remember the initial feelings I have for my Bboy♥. Of course, how can I ever forget the feeling for my lovely Bboy♥. I give him his first kiss. Yeah, I am that bad. But I am proud to say, I stole it rather than his first love. Well, I am always interested in love pictures, love quotes, love related stuffs. Be it anime / human / words or whatever, they just have the ability to make me reblog / tweet / plurk or whatever I can do with it. They are just that special to me in a way.

Falling in love and out of love is incredibly easy but it's just a matter of whether falling in love can last for a lifetime. Can the falling in love lead to a forever ever after or it just happen then it just ends when it all fades off. So many types of love. I think falling in love is a very beautiful feeling. But wanting to remember how it feels like, its abit difficult. Because I have been with my Bboy♥ for such a long period of time. Sometimes I do wonder, can I fall in love again or am I already in love and already used to it or am I always been falling in love with my lovely Bboy♥? Which one is it? I am not sure, but I know I kinda miss the feeling of falling in love with one. Well, so confusing. I have to say, till today I am still in love and always in love with my Bboy♥. But just miss the process of realizing your love, confessing to him / her. That feeling. That part , I kinda miss it abit. It's abit weird if I tell my Bboy♥ I wanna try confessing him and make me feel in love again. It's weird, uh. Just somehow I kinda miss that special-ness in it. Well, so sometimes remembering my past, how I confess, how they confess etc etc. That's beautiful enough. Don't get me wrong, I love my Bboy♥ and I will always do so. Till the day he stopped loving me, then I will stop otherwise I will love him till death do us part. Well, that's one part of me I know I can't change. I made that promise to my Bboy♥ before so I am heeding it.

Well, I think among all my ex boyfriends. Only Randal, DAn, Jonathan I still remember. Probably some others? Who knows. Well let's begin with Jonathan, shall I? Jonathan is my brother now. Yes, it's quite strange to see lovers to friends? Well, we ain't that sort of lover that goes on dates , celebrate monthsary things like that. In fact, we only been together for a day and then he realize he loves his crush or whatsoever still. Well, we are strange. But I do remember I kinda made him forget the one he love initially and we kinda like each other awhile. I won't use deep. B'coz of his rejection towards me, I have to admit I use Randal as an excuse to tell myself I can forget Jonathan and continue to STILL love Randal. I have to admit, probably Randal doesn't exist anymore when I found one of my ex. But Randal is a memory , a memory that is impossible to erase. A memory I know I will remember occassionally b'coz of the fact he is my first love. First love is impossible to erase, impossible to change, impossible to have amendments. That's why I mention before, Randal and DAn has the ability to pop out my mind once in awhile. Not forgetting Ian. Memories are like that, they come and goes. Well, back to Jonathan. I guess during the period of time when I really liked Jonathan, he knows it too. He just act dumb and still continue to like me, not love. Not couple kind of love, not relationship kind of love , just like as a good friend. Up till today, we are definitely better than last time. My relationship with him has definitely been better over the years. I thank God for such an amazing brother, an amazing friend to love me for who I am. Well, though he is super duper direct, super sarcastic or whatever ~ I still love him as my really close brother. Despite being with DAn, a crime which I don't wish to remember but I still do until today, he still continue loving me. Jonathan loves me for who I really am. Despite he can hate me awhile but we still maintain our relationship. I have to say, if I am single I might fall in love with him all over again. But I doubt so. I am attached for over 5 years. I have been Jonathan's lil brother since forever? He knows I will never fall for him and he will never fall for me. Who knows why? But it's just that bond that kept us strong, kept us loving each other despite all the bullshit that happen in my life. I may not be Jonathan's lover but I am definitely a friend he can count on. Like I told him a million times, I may not meet you but you have me always here to bullshit with you on the phone or email. That's one thing! He has been such a loving doting brother to me till today. I don't think we will be able to have this relationship if he becomes my lover. The awkwardness between us will become worst if we ever break up, the closeness between us will definitely end cos there is definitely always a boundary between friends & lovers. That's why no matter how bad tomorrow is, I will definitely be Jonathan's good brother ! Well, I sound so cheesy everytime I blog about Jonathan. Have the tendancy to just express myself in words. Cheesy, it may seemed. But one thing is for sure, I love my brother. I love him more than my blooded siblings, love him equally as Winnie, love him that much. He might be a guy but he's definitely one of the best guy friend I have. Oh brother, I am being cheesy. Please don't have goosebumps. Just know that, I am so happy to have someone like you. Life maybe so tough but I know I got you to always be there to shine my path.

Next... Randal. How can I ever forget? I know I in between Wesley and Benard then. Benard likes me, but I like Wesley. This particular guy just happen to catch this girl who has fallen out of love. Happen to pick this girl up and makes me truly feel what it is like to fall in love. To begin a relationship. I helped this man, I met him via social networking, I saved him. I know I thought happiness is shortlived when one tells you, I am going to camp, I am going overseas, all such of reasons to shoo away but he was different. He did contact me back when he's back. He texted me, he chat with me despite I went overseas. Can you believe this? He actually miss me, he actually wrote something about missing me when he's in camp. He even bought me a bottle of stars, a bottle of glowing in the dark stars. That was when I know I am falling love. Michelle forced him to say his true feelings for me on the phone, I heard it too despite faking I am away. I heard his confession. I know it wasn't real cos when one meet, he will walk away because I am ugly, fat, so no man will want to be with me. Like how Wesley fall in love with Michelle instead of me. Despite Wesley confess to me but it's my cousin he fallen in love with. I am upset but I am fine with it. This man indeed fallen for me and we actually managed to really know he fallen for me. The feeling of falling love was so innocent cos it's so special. The heart thumping feeling, the heart is going to die feeling, the special feeling that you can barely describe. The feeling you can only conclude, you have fallen in love. I know that feeling was so special, I was smitten, I was totally smitten. The first time I held a man's hand, the first time a man send me home, the first time a man kissed me on the cheek, the first time a man made me feel that I am in love. The special feeling is so hard to describe.. All I know during that time, the feeling of being in love is there. Is all special and cute. First love. There are always there to remind me what it feels like to fall in love from the beginning. I have been together with my Bboy♥. Yes, sometimes I do fall in love with him again. But it's just that instant feeling, that instant smile that made you and your other fall for you together. The part of confessing, the part of steading together since xx xx xx, that's the part of how cheesy love begin. I think nowadays people don't care when you fall in love or what. They do it via text, via phone, not face to face. This first love made me recall all the tinsy bitsy feeling I have before. Made me remember how it feels like to fall in love all over again. Though it ended and it hurts damn bad, but thank you for Bboy♥ and my other ex. But overall, thank you Bboy♥ for your very existence. Your appearance is the strength for me. Is the love that kept me on and on. I am so proud to say that.

As for DAn, I have to thank him for finally letting me be able to move on fully. I have always been in love with Randal, maybe not always been. I should say, foolishly making myself falling in love with Randal still. I might forget Randal in the way but I just kept forcing myself I am only in love with Randal still. No one can replace him inside my heart. Yeah, I am stubborn but what to do? I am that stubborn and bullheaded. Oh well. Whenever I recall, I guess I am so silly. But I have no regrets. Therefore DAn appeared, DAn made me realized I deserve another man better. Didn't quite expect myself to fall in love with him b'coz I only begin to know as an anon via his blog. I didn't want to expose myself. Just want to console a stranger but who knows. I expose myself, I fallen in love with that man. Fallen in love with that man that I know I can entrust him my future. Well my heart got broken a million and one times but I have no idea, he can catch my heart more than anyone has done before. Though I know I may piss certain people off but I love that man. I love him so much. I know that feeling of being able to watch the stars with him, the feeling of watching Stardust with him are enough. I am in love. I have fallen in love, really fallen in love with a man so deep till I can't breath. There is definitely a different in all the relationships I have. DAn's one was breath taking, exciting, thrilling. My first public relationship where his family knows, where people recognize me as the girlfriend. Yeah, I fallen in love with him. Fallen in love with him so much. Despite he goes overseas, leaving me in Singapore, I still love him. I put my whole heart in that relationship with him. The feeling of falling for one that many hate yet you still want to love, still want to be with him. I don't regret anything with him. Yeah, we ended. Didn't end well but I don't regret a single thing. Despite months of tears, loss of weight and single for a period of time, those bits of memories I will never ever regret a single one of them. It does hurt badly during that time, but I know I have a better man loving me more than him. It's none other than my Bboy♥. Yeah, said that a lot of times but no matter how much I hate my Bboy♥, I love my Bboy♥ at the same time as well.

Lastly, it's going to be about my Bboy♥. The initial beginning with Bboy♥ wasn't a smooth one. All I know is I know this guy via MapleVIA (Private MapleSEA Server). I was bored, so I played. Well, my brother introduced it to me. So why not? Kill some time ! So of course, I begin playing and I met this guy. Well, it's not easy to meet a local in private server. Since he tell me he's a local so we become friends. Well, we were friends then. Not much of anything. He asked me out to watch Songs of the Sea. So why not? It's a friend so just watch, tag along. Well, what is quite unexpected was the day when I was upset over hate me or love me. He just told me I love you. Well, I admit I was quite particular over it. I asked my friends about this weirdo. So ya. After that, I brush it away. Till one of the day, he say he's coming down. I was like , what a crazy person. Coming down Choa Chu Kang when he stays at Tampines. Oh whatever. So one day while I was studying, he confessed after I finish my studying and since he also disappear whole day. I don't wish to do the first move to text him as well. Typical ! But that's me. I am abit thickfaced. He confessed, I was shocked, I thought he's kidding. Oh well, he fallen for me. Sorry to say, I didn't like him at that moment, I didn't have those doki doki feeling or what I faced between Randal, DAn and Jonathan. I don't have those special feeling. But he's the first that we started off as friends. Well strange enough but I just don't have that kind of feeling with him. Kinda tried but failed after a day. I was in between of another guy as well. Life is weird. Because I don't quite bother till somewhere in October, I realize I did fall for him. He bought me presents, made me things. Touched but sorry, no feelings still. Well, I have to say I probably really fallen in love with him when I saw him and his friends sending a friend of mine home. That was that time when I am jealous, when I want him to be my boyfriend, where I realize I am in love. What a crime. What a sickening thing I am. Upon losing then I realize I am in love. That's one type of falling in love that I can't believe I fallen in. Well, since then we have been together, been together for coming 5 years.

Though at times I may miss the feeling of falling in love. But I just have to tell myself, I have my Bboy♥ and that's enough. No need any special stuffs, as long as I love him. That's all it will do. Falling in love is indeed a very special feeling, because when you fall in love, you face different emotions. Face many types of feeling you never realize you do too. I may envy people who just started falling in love, those who confessed and be together but I am very satisfied for the fact I have Desmond as my beloved Bboy♥. Well, for people like who have such random thinking. It's normal to once in awhile thinking of how it is like to fall in love when you are in a relationship. People just have the tendancy to think a lot. So that's why I think and I imagine. After when the wind blows away, everything is back to normal. That's all that is enough.

What a long essay I have written. Oh well ~ Ain't emotional yet just embracing the thought. It will pass after a day! I don't like harping on certain thoughts for a long period of time because if you harp, you will be sad. So I would prefer to be happy and live everyday beautifully.