#122 ; I deserve love

When no one gives a fuck about you,
Always remember you are giving yourself a fuck.
I wish I can proudly say again, I deserve love. But all of a sudden, it just feels like I don't deserve love at all. Be it boyfriend, friends or even family, I simply feel like I don't deserve all this in my life. I am tired. Really tired. I kept telling myself I am a big girl now, I am strong, I am able to withstand the storms coming along but it just have to end up, I lose myself. I always thought life is so easy to live on but unexpectedly, my life is far worse than simple. I am doing all I can to be a better person but things just doesn't wanna go the way it is. No one seemed to care about me, no one seemed to be there. I am depressed. Really. I thought I got over it so simply, but never have I expected people just have to make me flare up till they are happy. Flaring up doesn't work , it just hurts me more. I am being a stronger person but it just seemed people don't accept me for me. They rather I be that naive, innocent little girl they have. Like they always say, in your parents' eyes you are always the kid. But now I totally feel dejected, more like a orphan. I always feel like I am a orphan. A lot of people tell me this is life. Yes I am facing it happily, doing all I can to treasure what I have but it seemed, I am always letting them fade away too. Silly me, having such negative thinking right now.

It just doesn't feel alright anymore. Everytime when I flare, I always end up being this negative. I hate myself for that side of me, I wanna cure it. I thought I cured it yet in the end, it's the other way round. People just have to push me to the extent to make me go crazy. I am 20 years old, people are thinking I am a crybaby. I am not. I stand firm, I am strong. I maybe soft hearted, I maybe so silly but I know what I want, I know I doing all I can to be a better person. Probably people judge me cos they think they know me but I am really not that silly naive innocent girl. I have plans for future, for myself, for everything. Life is full of thorns. I used to let thorns kill me but I get over it, I tell myself to wake up. You can't change them so grow! I grow but people just have to say things that they know they hit me damn bad. I am a loser in a lot of things but I am turning my life around. Unknowingly pissing people off, all the things I do I wish I can retract them back. I hate myself for being such a loser sometimes. When your parents don't give a fuck about you, get over it. When your friends don't give a fuck about you, get over it. When your boy/girlfriend don't give a fuck about you, get over it. I have to be a really big girl. I am but people just push me. Push me to the extent of I have no idea what to do. I am a person full of flaws but I changed. But it always seemed no one people understands me. No one give me a chance in anything. Oh well. I wanna cherish myself now. I wanna be the girl that he thinks I won't change but I did change.

Evil are everywhere,
But can you conquer them all?

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