#245 ; Well..,

You're different from everyone else.

Sometimes seeing what other people have makes you want to have them as well. I am envious with a lot of people around me but I only can suppress those feelings inside me. Not going to lie with myself but state the truth.

Every time I see people posting about how sweet their boyfriend is to them, buying clothes, shopping together, it makes me feel like I wish my life is like that. I wish our life can be as carefree as possible. Being able to just show their girlfriend how sweet they are sometimes. Mini actions touched me but you will probably get all pissed saying I am comparing this and that. I see cute stuffs, I wish you can tell me things like 'Ya, its cute.' Or probably any single response. Every time I see how people will feedback to their loved ones, I feel like as if they cared. At the very least, there are some responses. Ya I maybe unreasonable, wanting to buy a million and one things but you probably think I am splashing water but I am not. I just want to feel like you cared even if its hard. I am never pampered by anyone yet you are also the same. You rather say how shitty I am than buying or saying anything despite sometimes I know I can't hope. I admit there are a lot things about me that I agree I am irritating. But do you know that I just want you to know that being with you, I am already giving all I can. Ya you no money yet even a single treat from you from your first salary is like cutting a slice of meat. I don't understand you, you know. Ya since the day I have been with you, I know you are a family boy but do you know how it hurts to feel like I am always the last. Ya when you get all cheesy, it definitely makes me all touched but I know deep down, everything is just a surface. Your sweet words are nothing at all. One minute, you may say I am the best thing ever, the next minute you can say I am totally fucking idiot with a fucking life and how you want to ruin me. Ya , so mercurial. So your sweet words are always something I refrain myself from falling too deep. Ya, for all the things you have done, I know you want credits, appreciation. But you have no idea that all you say made an impact on me, and I used them silently. You always think I rather pick a fight? Maybe the reason I pick a fight cos you will never pick up my pieces when I crumble. When you crumble, I said once, twice, thrice, and maybe more that I will definitely stick through you and get back to track. You probably think cos I am young, no rights in any shit. Ya I love you , so probably that's why I am always picking up my pieces despite I know I tell you my pieces. You can scold me all you want but back to reality, I know you are the one I love. Ya I am silly but what to do? Simple girl simple things. Not a perfect cos I know I have a gazillion flaws but I rather make those flaws you dislike to something else. I have to admit, I like to be loved a lot though I know I am always the one who love more than the love I gotten back. Just pamper me and I will be super glad.

Anyone close give me a fuzzy, cozy hug, I will be all touched. That's why I love hugs so much. Anyone who make an effort to get close to me, I will be able to tell them a lot of things but if you have a gap with me before, never will I trust you ever again. I love to receive flowers, cos I find flowers always express what's inside one's heart. I like mini gifts. Being able to randomly give a gift can make my heart all squishy. Cook for me, I love the idea of people cooking for me. Whipping simple things and ask me to try just makes me happy. Hear me whine when I am my darkest moment. Winnie, Jasmine, Jonathan, Laiyin are probably the few that used and still currently there for me whenever I faced crap shit in my life. Treat me eat. Okay, I am super realistic. I don't mean treat expensive food, even mini puff or tart or muffin or what can make me super happy. I guess I just simply ask for random things and all my main purpose is to be happy. Ya you can never be the one who I run to when I have issues cos I know words are never enough to convey myself to you. You rather scold me so fucking bad than love me and give me a hug and say it will be all fine. Ya, people are different so I guess I will be stronger no matter what. Right now, I hope my choice is right and I hope you will be a lifetime instead of a disappointment.

I will be strong, wipe off unhappiness and embrace hope.