No point going around the bush, no point. By going the more around the bush, the more I get it. I guess I grown up, grown up in sense of being able to immature. Last time I used to be like a bitch, whining and being hurt over words by family. But as I grow up, all this doesn't seemed to linger around anymore. Let's see, yesterday I found out my family are going Kuala Lumpur without me. My head was , right... so I am left out. Well, my head ain't thinking of all the biased shit. It's either cos I really don't give a shit or I am kinda like drowsy state of mind. I am blogging this not cos I am jealous or what, I just wanna type words out. It just make me happier. Happier that my life is actually changing to the better b'coz of my
Bboy♥. I kinda lose the value of family already. Like I care if I don't receive family warmth. Like I care if you rather dote the others except me. Like I care every single fuck you guys made me. My life was once in a wrecked but no one was there. Now, I am not going to wreck it again. Well, in fact I think everything has already changed and it's for the worse for my family. Let's see, last week I build up my courage and told my mom I am earning $xxxx amount and officially declare. She also opened my letters , asking about insurance crap. Last Saturday, she called me, claiming she thinks the letters are my dad. She happily open the letters and self proclaimed she thought it's my dad. When I am home, I was pissed b'coz the letter was CLEARLY stated my name and even my details. I yelled at her for invading my privacy and please respect that. Maybe that didn't get into her ears. She started yelling back about me being her kin.
Blood is thicker than water. Me complaining everything to my
Bboy♥. Being a bitch when I just come home and saying how useless I am etc. What a mom, uh? I don't see a point of me being wrong. She fucking opened my letter and kept insisting she thought it's my dad. Well, I was nice thinking that maybe it has no name. But to my surprise, it has my name. What does that prove? She enjoys opening up my stuffs despite a million and one times of warning. Fuck them for thinking I am still a kid. I am not proud to say that I am a big girl. But I think my thinking changed. I have matured my thoughts. I avoided all negativity that I have since forever. Well, I admit of course, there is a little bit of "
jealous" but on a brighter note, my
Bboy♥ told me that I am earning money. It's not like as if I am not earning and whatever not. So therefore, why be upset? Well, he's true. Since working, nothing matters except my future. I wanna build my future well. Make my future kids (
if I have) happy, make my future hubby to be the happiest man on earth, to make my life as stable and happy as can be. My life is not happy but I know I can revert them to be happy ones for I know there are people who loves me. Not saying my parents. Well, blood is thicker than water. Pui. I don't quite agree that anymore. Where are they when I need them? Where are the love that I deserved? Why am I always left out? Yeah, at least have the courtesy to ask me despite know I might say no cos I am always with my boyfriend. But hell no, not a sentence nor a speech. like I know anything. Saying me hiding things, why not say you all just shut me away as if I am a orphan. How saddening to hear something like that from me.
I know I am awesome, I know. It's not b'coz I am awesome. Is just basically many things have changed, I have to keep growing. I have to always be there for the ones there for me. I give you $20 a month, you are happy. & now b'coz I am earning $xxxx amount, you hint all over around about me giving less, stingy poker and all other fuck crap. I do not want to waste any time or any extra effort to argue / quarrel or even blow my top over it. Maybe I will few years ago. But I am different now. I am TOTALLY different. Ask me why? I tell you why, it's b'coz I wanna be a big girl now. I wanna start appreciating what I have rather than
those that I don't have. What's the point of always wanting the things I don't deserve or even in hope of chances. Chances been given over so many different times but changes are not displayed. Well, communication barrier? I assume. I know many have tried. I tried too, but I eventually will get tired and give up. It's not like I kept trying and making my family happy and no one sees a thing yet just continue stabbing me. Oh well. I don't know how to describe those feelings inside me. It's just feels like as if I don't deserve love.
I only find love elsewhere. That's why I rely on relationship more than kinship. So what they are from ship, I seemed to have more relationship than kinship. How fuck, uh? Well, everyone will say which parents won't love their kids. My parents ! Cos they don't say a thing, they don't teach me much, they bascially go for the smarter and sweet talker rather than me. I don't see them accepting me for who I am. Sometimes when a kid change into someone else and by the time the parents discover, it's too late. Sometimes, I just think changing ain't a bad thing. I used to comment that changing sucks, changing only makes my parents hate me yet now I actually like changing, like being a different me. Though I am holding the same idenitity but my head, mind, soul, heart are different. B'coz I changed. Changing is definitely something I actually think it can be good. Oh well, afterall what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Looks like I talking all logics again. How retarded, but I guess that's why it makes sense , uh! Oh well, I have whined enough.
Well just a note to myself. Be it how shit life gets, don't be afraid. There are definitely people loving you. No one can bring you down as long as you give up. It's not the end of the day. Be strong, b'coz you must live life to the fullest. Living life happily is better than you emo emo everyday live life. How stupid. For a change, make it different. Make it a happier day. Make everyday a happy one instead of sulky one.
