#338 ; LOVE/HATE

Sometimes, I love you too much.
Sometimes, I hate you too much as well.
But I know one thing is for sure, each single trials we faced are obstacles along our way to test our relationship. I have been with you for 5 years. All the things we have gone through, all the shitty stuffs we faced. I don't know why but it felt like you changed. Changed to love me. I hope it's real though. We fight on Sunday, I am stubborn, you are stubborn. You apologize to me the next day, you tell me both of us are at fault, you say you are harsh. I honestly didn't expect something like that from you especially when I know from the beginning, you are a total bull head. But I guess we are really growing together? I admit sometimes I don't give a shit on the things you say but I still listen. I guess sometimes the things we do maybe unreasonable but we still love each other, commit towards each other. I know I shouldn't be whining over all shit in the world. But I have to confess up my heart. B'coz I want us to be better, I want my blog to record down the happy, sad, angry, unhappy, all emotions we have together. I know it is silly to say something like that but I know, whether we ended up together till death do us part, at least I am glad to have you as a part of my memory. Loving someone is not easy. When we begin, we love but definitely not as hard as we are now. But we are changing, I know that. Your parents are trying to accept me, welcome me into your family, you are telling me you want to marry me. Yea, I am only 21 years old. Maybe I don't understand marriage yet but I know one thing, you do love me. Ya, I hate your fucking mouth that say things as you please and things you know I hate. I always believe in happy things but you happily mention words like divorce, no communication. How harsh you are, sometimes I guess I just want you to control your words.

We are two idiots finding a path towards each other knowing how fucked up our families are. Yes, mine is worse. But please know that, I love you. My house will always be my kin, but you're one of a kind. More than just a kin. More of someone who I will love with my whole heart. All the quarrels we have will never ever stop the love I have for you. I know I fear how much you will leave me but I want to make us work, make us have a future, having a life together. I am not good in love, but I assure you I will love you till the day you stopped loving me. You and I are not handsome or pretty yet we found each other. I am very thankful till this very day. We almost ended a million and one times but we will always find each other back, knowing how much we can't live without each other. I won't say I am great, but I will say you are the one great for me. I love you to the back and moon. Please know what. I know you are a man with emotions but you froze yourself up. No matter how much I crush on any hot guys, you will always be my number 1. I admit, I may tell you white lies but I am glad I am being honest now. Baby steps. I hid so many things but at this moment, at least we are building back the honesty despite we took so long. Many things can happen between us but I want to strive hard for both of us. I have loved many, but my heart is always broken. But I am glad I finally found one who mend them although he occassionally broke it. But at least, you really loved me like how I deserve it. I know it's love when I know you're always the first that appear on my mind despite the fact I loved Winnie as much as you. Maybe I do love Jonathan as much as you. But Jonathan and Winnie are always the bestest of best friends in my life. It's a fact that will never ever change. That's a fact and it will never change. I am not best of my words but I am definitely in love with you, yes you. Always been you and will never ever change that. 

We are two ordinary people crossing path together. Yes, how much you are an idiot, you are still able to catch my small heart and love me as much as I love you. I can cry for you, I can hit myself b'coz of you, and that's somehow how much I tell myself that you're the love I know I love for a long time. No one likes changing boyfriend / girlfriend, everyone wants someone they can put their heart into. I really hope it's you and really want it to be you. B'coz I love you. Just b'coz of these three words, I am stuck with you. Wanting to be with you always. So trust me on that. I am changing to be a better person, to be someone different. I do believe despite all the odds, we can still be stuck together. Cos we love and hate each other more than anything else.



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