#202 ; A Risk

Though it aches, but it's still a beautiful lesson learnt.

Once, I took a risk. A risk that changed my whole life, a risk that almost killed me. I guess that's one thing I don't regret yet I have to live it in my life, have it for the rest of my lives. Well, I guess everyone has a risk that they know they took and still go for it despite the stakes are high. In my life, I probably have to admit my relationships are the ones who made me grow up and be a better person. Every now and then, a certain particular one will just appear in my head. Like I mentioned a lot of times, only a few has the ability to stop by my mind and leave me lovely memories. When I have the urge to blog about, the words just come, the emotions just come, everything will just be accordingly. It's not about when I plan to type or say, it's just a matter of when the emotions & words come. That's how strange my mind is. So therefore, I am going to blog about another of my relationship, a relationship which I gave my everything and I only get back hurt in return.

I supposed I mentioned in my previous posts or whatever, I loved a man named DAn. DAn is going to be the nickname I am giving him, the name where a new beginning happens. Somehow it's so true that the social media are enough to kill one. Well, probably that's why I started to anti social myself and stop knowing people after DAn. Maybe somewhere in me still wants to know people, but I know that all this are no longer what I ask. I was once young, once naive, once so silly. Because of all these silly things, that's how I found DAn. How I fall in love with DAn and begin a chapter of my life which I can never ripped off. Which I can't brush it off like all my other ex boyfriends. I have ex but if worthy to mention, there will only be two. Two person to stay in my heart for a lifetime. Well, I don't wish to have anymore ex boyfriend b'coz I want my current boyfriend to be my forever ever after. Though forever doesn't exist , I just want my relationship with him be my last one. No others but just him.

How should I start? How should I even begin about my relationship with DAn? Well, if you have to ask me, why did I make that move? I can't truly answer you because that move I made leads to what happen to me for almost a year. I am a curious fool that leads to things that I can barely imagine. Out of goodwill, I spoke to him, concern about him. So the beginning of a friendship has slowly start to unfold. I wasn't a perfect person, I only know I can't help it but care for people. Once, my friends told me how terrible a man like him will be. But I rather trust my instincts, so here comes a friendship. I know sometime during September, I bought the final present for Randal. Meaning that gift will be the last thing and that will be the last time I am going to love him. I am going to give up and love another man. Yeah, I guess I really did fall for DAn. Unknowingly, I fall for this man. We become friends. He was all sweet and loving. So cheesy too. He was the second man to make me fully move on and truly love somebody. This time round, I know I am over Randal, really over and DAn was one that I can love again. I can believe in falling in love and creating a forever after with. I was hurt tremendously in the process of letting go Randal. I fall in love with man that could never replace Randal, I did silly things, destroy my life with my own hands. But this time round, I know I am in love, I am really in love with this man. We chatted whole night and agreed to meet up on a particular day. That day, I worn my favorite clothes, I get ready to head off to meet that man. Not sure how he looks like, no idea will he really fall for me or not. Nervous, nerve wrecking, anxious feelings. & Yea, I met him. I really met him. He paid for my movie tickets and we watched Stardust. One of the movie I enjoyed a lot cos there are stars and the song was really nice. Who would have known a man will treat me? He confessed to me and asked me to be his girlfriend under the stars of Vivo City. How romantic can a guy like him be? All smitten and in love. I know he loves me too, I believe. One thing about us I don't get it is when he told me there's another girl and asking me to share with him. In name, he and the girl are together. Whereas me and him, we are together in sense of me being able to meet him, hold him, kiss him etc. The difference between the girl and me is that she don't get to meet him or what and do what couples do, yet I get to meet him and be what couples are like. I don't know but I actually said okay. Which silly girl will share her boyfriend with another me? No one but me. So our love story unfold. In the midst of our love story, Caiyu was the one there for me. She was always letting me use her name to let me spend time with DAn. DAn stayed very far away. Pasir Ris. This is considered as my first time falling for a man that stayed really far away. I know sometimes, I am that silly to be going down just to meet him. We just can't get enough of each other. I don't mind risking the nights just to be beside him. Well, some memorable memories with him is he bought me a star at Tampines Mall. At the initial period when I am with Desmond, I get reminded by the time I came to Tampines to meet DAn. Well, we don't have much memory but I know I am always very lovey dovey with him by my side. I know I have become a really cheesy person together with him during that period of time. I will think of all sorts of cheesy names just for him and he will too. I know at that time, I am already over Randal and finally move on to a man I can believe in eternity with. The steps I take with him are all risky steps cos many told me what a playboy he is, he's nothing but a heartbreaker, he change girlfriend really fast. Well, blindly I ignore and continue falling for this risk of mine.

There was once I got to go overseas with my family. I know whatever I do, I will always tell myself to buy something for him, just got the habit of that. I even wrote daily letters for him during my overseas trip. I remember buying gifts for him as well. No idea where they are now. Be it he cherish it or not, I know I treated this relationship very seriously. I know time was short cos by the time I come back, he's going to Indonesia due to a sudden thing. So the only time I can meet him was after 2 weeks. After that, he's also going Japan. So I didn't celebrate Christmas with him. I only manage to celebrate New Year together with him. I love this man so much. But I fear everything will change once we entered the New Year. I told myself to trust myself. But sadly, it all ended on 20 January 2008. Not sure how it ended but my sixth sense told me it's the fact. I didn't meet him at all due to school and everything. A sudden broke up. Shocked but what can I do? It hurts so badly. I remember suddenly I broke down and cried. All tears streamed down from the cheeks. It hurts so bad. I loved this man but this man just let me go. How much it hurts , you wouldn't know. All you know is giving me hopes and crushing it to pieces. But deep down, I know clearly that this man ain't just a man, it's a man who I loved deeply without any regrets. Many can scold me, many can reprimand how stupid I am to fall for such a jerk. But I have to say, I never once have a regret in this whole relationship with him. Despite how short it is, it is one of the most beautiful relationship I won't regret. The hurts caused in the process are bad, but what can I do about it? Nothing. Because I know how bad the hurt is, I still love him. But thank you God for giving me a man I can truly loved. I have been with him for almost five years. But still, thank you DAn for being such an important existence in my life once. I hope you are doing fine and stay happy always.

P/S ; I written this quite awhile ago. Just didn't have the feel to continue it. So today I finished it up! So enjoy!