#168 ; Anticipation are just false hope

I hope, I hope yet in the end I went all hopeless.
Every year, I grow older. But I realized as each year pass by like that, my heart is always the same. It never once felt happy. Frankly speaking, never once have I ever felt happy on my birthday. It's that undescribleable feeling. It's definitely not happy. It's more of a sad-sour-crappy feeling. I don't have birthday party, cakes, balloons, flowers or any surprise birthday. Well, I know it sound really depressing. But I have to confess, I always admired those people having birthday parties, group of friends celebrating birthday for you and all the trunk loads of presents. As for me, I have none. I know I shouldn't be demanding much. But that feeling is totally unbearable. Seeing what others have yet you don't have. I always dreamt of my birthday having Winnie, Vivian, Laiyin, Desmond, Michelle, Nicholas, Jonathan, Denise there to be celebrating for me. Planning in surprise and making me the happiest woman on earth. But sadly, each birthday I am always the saddiest person ever. I concealed that feeling but I will always blurt it out. It's a well known fact I am not the happiest person on my birthday. B'coz I know I will never have those glamourous parties. I want surprises, but it's no surprise at all ! How can I describe this feeling? It's just so uncomfortable. This year makes no difference like every other year. Yes , he bought me camera , a surprise key necklace & a treat at Swensens (Chocolate Fondue). It's sweet to see a boyfriend doing something like that. But I know somewhere deep down, I am not satisfied. Is it b'coz my birthday feels so lame? It falls on the third day of Chinese New Year. How nice. Though it's a public holiday in lieu of Sunday, but still what else can I whine about? I am happy to have Desmond but sometimes he's so predictable till I have no comments. Well, each year my birthday clashes with Valentine's Day as well. He will buy me roses or maybe teddy bears but this year, I simply have no hopes in him even bothering to buy me a stalk of rose. I may say a million times but he just don't give a fuck care. One thing that makes me happy every time is whenever Winnie wishes me happy birthday. It maybe just a simple "Happy Birthday", but that's all I need. I love her a lot, I know I do. Till today, I still do. It's not like I can ever get over her. I texted her, try to know more about her through various ways but she definitely have her way of avoiding me. I am twenty one, twenty one years old already. How sad can this get. I don't have things I want. My belated gift to myself will probably be a slice of cheesecake & a cup of coffee for myself. I can plan other people's events but not mine. I don't see people making the extra mile just for me. I don't ask or want the things I ask for people. I simply wish for something so memorable till I can cry. Cry happy tears instead of sad tears. Well, each year passing by just simply means it's just another day, another year, another time. I have no one to share such things b'coz I know people will simply thinks I am all bossy and demanding. With Singapore's cost of living, will surprises even be available? Nope, it's not even applicable. Because he is in army, he has to save for the future then all these unneccessary shits. I should learn to get over it instead of mopping over it. Oh well, I have to be strong rather than all this. Let's hope one day, all things will work out fine for me.

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